When I was a kid, I was ready for lava.1
I would leap from chair to table2, rescuing my home from the heated unstoppable ooze. It was a game, I suppose, but to me, it was preparation.
When I was a kid, I was afraid of the substances that could kill you in an instant. Lava. Poison. Quicksand. Kaiju3.
The creatures that could snap away survival in a flash.
I didn’t know enough to know I should be afraid of survival, too.
I didn’t know I should be more afraid of mouths that mark you for a lifetime than the jaws that swallow you whole.
I didn’t know I should be afraid of the small teeth.
The kind that chomp away in tiny pieces,
so slowly you almost forget you are losing yourself.
I didn’t know I should be afraid of the poison that does not kill you.
The poison that sits in your belly
and churns and churns, and makes a sickness from a healthy mind.
The poison that gives you reasons to die.
When I was in prison, the girls used to say that if the city flooded, we would be left in our cells.4 That it’s happened5 all over the country.
That no one shames a city for leaving its trash out like a sacrifice when the river comes to take. That no one blames a city for letting mother nature weep punishment on those we’ve marked in want of it.
When I was in prison, I was ready for flood.
But I wasn’t ready for survival.
I wasn’t ready to walk out the gates with a belly full of poison and a body covered in small bites. I wasn’t ready to walk out with bigger unseen fears than that of a whole world turned to ash.
Now, I leap from chair to table, warning people that the floor is lava,
or maybe flood
and punishment is eating us and filling us with death,
and there are some locks so strong that we
forget6
the people behind them.
I leap from chair to stage,
warning that the floor is lava7.
Sweating in the heat of it, aching from the work of it,
so tired of this same old8 game.
So frustrated that it still isn’t a game to me at all.
Achingly Human is a section of Rarasaur blog for illustrated and hyperlinked texts that are also available in the form of a mini-zine. Like all parts of Rarasaur blog, it is free.
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(Article) The Right (and Wrong) Way to Die When You Fall Into Lava- “Guess what? Sinking into lava just will not happen if you're a human (or remotely human).”
(Video & Article) Will never stop thinking of this gorgeous lava.
(Article) A history of prisons.